October 6th 2011

It is just about 2 months since I last wrote, mainly because life has been very quiet and not much has been happening.

I saw the doctor last week and she is very pleased with my progress.  She mentioned that the bone scan that I had a couple of weeks before showed that I have Osteopenia,  which is a lack of calcium in my bones.  She didn’t seem at all concerned about all and although it could suggest Osteoporosis later on, it doesn’t automatically mean that it will.  I have tablets, taken once a week, which is helping that.

The down side of the above is that the medicine that I am taking, for hormone therapy, which I need to take for the next five years is causing quite bad bone ache in my legs.  I told the doctor how bad it is sometime and asked if I could change the medicine.  She wasn’t too keen as this is the newest and best one for breast cancer.  She suggested that I take paracetamol and ibuprofen alternatively to ease the discomfort, not something that I am very keen on; especially for any length of time.  Elizabeth, a friend from church, offered to check on line to see what was suggested.  The ache comes in about a third of patients, and although there isn’t actually a cure for it; they did have some good suggestions.  It appears that taking Vitamin D regularly will help it considerably; also getting sun for a little bit each day as well.  I am quite happy with both of those, especially the second.  Fortunately we are having a late summer at the moment, so it gives me a good excuse to sit outside.

Last week I not was only suffering leg ache but I had acute back pain; which was so bad that I could hardly move.  I suffered this for two days and at the Sunday meeting two ladies prayed for me.  I want to thank God that within 24 hours the back pain was gone completely; perhaps I can get rid of the aches as well the same way.

My hair is doing very well; I have been to the hairdressers a few times and it is getting much thicker.  I am going to keep it short because firstly I really like the style and secondly it is much easier to look after.  I would like to change the colour but that is not possible for at least a year, unless I use a product without peroxide.  Actually I am looking forward to bleaching it white; we saw a girl with that colour at the hospital and it looked great.

I also asked the doctor about reconstruction as I thought I was seeing the doctor in January but it appears not.  I received a letter this morning saying that I had the meeting with the plastic surgeon in late August of next year.   I can’t say I am very pleased about this as I was hoping to look much better for next summer but if that is what is needed; unless I can persuade the doctor to bring it forward; I will have to live with it. 

Anyway that is me up to date.  My next doctor’s appointment is next April where she told me that if the medicine is still causing problems she might change it; I am not convinced: sometimes they tell you what they think that you want to hear. 

Sunday 7th August 2011

It is now seven weeks since I finished radiotherapy.  In many ways it seems longer and yet it still looms as large as life in everyday things.  My skin hasn’t quite got back to normal; it is slightly discoloured, and needs cream on it daily.  I am still tired from all the treatment that I had but it is getting better slowly. 

I want to go to the beach with family but obviously, I have to wear a t-shirt to the beach.  There are other things I would like to do but they aren’t practical.

I think the main reaction I am having at the moment is my total lack of enthusiasm for getting going.  We have had various people staying or visiting and even with that it takes me a while to get going.  Once I make up mind to do things that is fine and I am off and running.  I also get upset with silly things; things that in the past I wouldn’t have give a second thought to.

There are some times that I look forward to the cooler months so that I look like everyone else; all wrapped up.  Then when I look at other people I realise how fortunate I have been with the way things have gone.

I see the doctor in September and it will be interesting to see what she has to say.  Up until then life goes on as normal as it can.

Tuesday 21st June 2011

I just want to add a little bit to today's notes.

I have just returned from the hairdressers where my hairdresser managed to tidy my hair up and begin the shaping for my new hair.  It was such a good feeling to have what little hair I have washed and looked after as if nothing had ever happened.  Life is certainly looking up.

Tuesday 21 June 2011

Yesterday was a normal day off for Bill and me as we work on Sunday at Riverside and finally I am getting back to normal life.  No more train rides into the hospital for some time.  I finished my radiotherapy on Saturday; having started a day late; so I had to do six sessions last week.  T he radiologist asked me to come and visit them to say hello when I am next in the hospital; for some reason that is not top of my list that I would like to do.  Nothing personal to the staff who were all extremely nice but I really don’t want to visit that part of the hospital for some time to come.  The nicest thing that the radiologist doctor, who I saw last week, said to me was “See you in a years’ time”, so that is when I will go back to that department.  Unless you have been there you cannot imagine how good that sounded.  When I talked to the doctor last week she pointed out that where the radio on my body was being done was very red and inflamed.  I thought that was normal but evidently I was allergic to the cream that she had given me.  This meant that I had to buy a new cream and put that on.  It is still red and I am not sure how long it will take to go back to normal coloured skin.  Until the skin is back to normal it is best not to sit in the sun; after all I do not want to make it worse.

So what do I have to look forward to?  I need a reconstruction so that I am not looking lopsided.  That sounds like it will be at the beginning of next year; unless I can persuade them to do it earlier.   My main aim at the moment is to rebuild my strength and get back to full health.  With the weather is being good at the moment exercise is easy; especially as Bill needs to keep his exercising up as well.  Our new thing is to go out on the bicycles as often as we can.  We have a lovely cycle track only minutes from the house so we are currently checking how far we can go on that.

I thank God for all the support that we both have had.  May I be able to support people as much as my family and friends have supported me.

Tuesday 14th June 2011

Well it is over two weeks since I last wrote; I have celebrated my 60^th birthday and spent a great week with the family who came from the UK to celebrate with us.  During the same week Bill and I celebrated our 40^th wedding anniversary.    I admit that the way we celebrated both wasn’t one I would have chosen.  I have done 19 days of radiotherapy and have 6 days left.  On my birthday I spent a good 3 hours at the hospital seeing the doctor and then going on to radio.  The doctor’s comments were positive; she is very pleased with the way things are going.  As for me,  I am tired; so tired that I come home from the hospital and sleep for a while before I can carry on the rest of the day.  From Monday to Friday my day goes like this – get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast and walk along to the train station where I first catch the train and then from there ride the metro to the hospital.  I normally arrive at the hospital around about 11am.  In the hospital it is a first come first served in the treatment and people have been arriving from 8:30 if not earlier.   The waiting time varies from 1 hour to 2 hours; on a bad day it can be worse.  Fortunately most days Flavia comes and picks me up and takes me home which is great as this saves about half an hour or more.    I have 6 more treatments to go and then I can catch up with sleep, relax and begin to enjoy normal life again.

The effect from radiotherapy is nowhere near as bad as chemo.  Inwardly I don’t feel sick or anything like that at all.  What I am feeling after 4 weeks is what feels like sun burn.  The patch where the radiologists are doing the treatment is now quite red and itches a lot.  I have been told to use two lots of cream, one Nivea and the other one that was prescribed from the doctor, which is actually a burn cream.  I use the burn cream two or three times as it stops it itching and the Nivea at night to soften the skin; especially the scar from the hospital.  At least I only have a week to go.

My hair is beginning to grow and soon I will be going to the hairdressers; not to really have it cut but for her to start to shape it a bit.  I actually started washing it during the last week which feels really strange after so long.  I only use the stuff that I shower with as it is a non chemical one which is ok for what hair I have got – but at least it is a start. 

On Friday the 8^th it was a public holiday here in Porto and Bill and I met up with other members of the American Club for a game of softball.  Neither of us plays and anyway we were late as although being a holiday I still had treatment.  It was lovely just to sit on the grass in the sun, having a chat with friends and feel like I was living a normal life.  These days have been rare.

I am now beginning to look forward to the days which don’t have treatment and visits to the hospital.  There will be the odd couple of days over the months when I have to visit the hospital to check with the doctor etc but those I will be able to live with. 

Wednesday 25th May 2011

I didn’t realise that it was so long since I updated my blog until today. 

The effects from the chemo are more or less gone and I am now in the middle of my radiotherapy.  I had to wait three weeks before I started radio to make sure that I didn’t need any more chemo.  On the 10^th May I had an appointment with my chemo doctor who gave me the great news that as far as they were concerned there was no more trace of cancer.  I still have to have radio for the next three and half weeks, having completed 7 days already.  This is more tiring than I thought as I have to travel into the hospital on a daily basis from Monday to Friday.  I should have started on the 16^th May and would have finished on the 17^th June but the hospital was a day late starting so I will probably finish either on Saturday 18^th or on Monday 20^th; either works for me; as long as I finish.  The wonderful news is that it should soon be over and that I have a friend that is concerned enough to pick me up most days from the hospital to take me home so that I don’t get too tired - thanks Flavia.  Also thank you to Bill for being patient when I am really tired and in not a very good mood.

It has been interesting to go to the hospital every day; not necessarily in a good way; but within a couple of days I sorted out the system.  In the first two days Julie and I turned up at the hospital before 10am to see if I could get treated quickly; no such luck: we waited at least two hours.  I then asked the girl who was treating me if there was a good time to come and yes there was.  The next day I turned up at mid-day and within half an hour was being treated and was back out again in 10 minutes; wonderful.  It is the waiting time that makes it tiring.  So from now on I turn up either at 11:30 if I get a ride or mid-day if I catch the train; either way works well.  Obviously the Portuguese like to eat at lunch time and don’t want to wait around the hospital; as for me I can eat later if the waiting time is shorter.

I have noticed that there are days when I feel really tired and am very irritable; they are probably connected; but I feel bad for anyone around me, especially Bill.  This is something I am going to have to deal with as it is not their fault that I feel bad and as least I am getting treatment; completely free and although not the best organised so far it is now working well.

At the end of my chemo but before my radio started Bill and I took the opportunity to go away for three days.  Our girls had bought us a voucher for the Pousadas which is a group of very nice hotels in Portugal.  We travelled down to Beja which is in the Alentejo part of Portugal and I don’t think you could get a quieter part of the country.  The weather was just right and we spent a lovely time just walking around the town and travelling through the countryside.  I was always slightly tired but it was great just to relax and be looked after by someone else. 

Anyway only 18 days to go and believe me, I am counting down.  Next week I have an appointment with my radio doctor to see how things are going.  I am very optimistic.

Saturday 30th April 2011

We had a bit of a scare yesterday, although it didn’t turn out too bad.  I was sitting at my desk and came over very strange.  I went very dizzy, very hot and couldn’t seem to function at all.  Bill took my blood pressure which was almost nonexistent.  After a quick chat with Isabel, Bill decided that I needed a check up at the hospital; so off we went.  I was still feeling odd even at the hospital for some time and so we waited to get checked out by the doctor.  She was great; she took my blood pressure and gave me an ECG which turned out to be normal.  It seems that this is an effect of the chemo and I was advised to go home rest, put my feet up and take salt; not normally something I would do.

Today was a little strange as well but I think it was the same thing.  Bill took me shopping as I wasn’t sure about driving and he wasn’t about to let me anyway.  I felt in a different land whilst out; which could be a good thing as shopping on a Saturday morning is a bit hectic.  After lunch I had a good sleep and now feel much better; perhaps chocolate biscuits helped. 

As this is the last chemo hopefully I will start to feel better soon.  I had the light headiness before the last time but this was the scariest; especially for Bill.  I am definitely looking forward to feeling better.

Thursday 28th April 2011

I have some amazing friends; I thought I would put that in first.  I was met on my last day of chemo, which was Tuesday by a group of ladies who wanted to celebrate with me.  I was tired, feeling sick but so glad to see them; thank you God for friends who support me.

I still have to go through some of the after effects of the chemo; in particular the tiredness but it does seem to be getting less.  Yesterday I managed shopping and some gardening; although the trees may not agree with that term; they look more like a massacre after I had finished with them.  I can’t help it if God made me too short to cut the tops which in effect means that they are not straight.   

I go to see the Dr on the 10^th May and hopefully she will have some news regarding the chemo.  I still have to have to go through radio from the 16^th May but it would be nice to hear some good news.  I am obviously not sure how much she can tell me before the radio but I continue to be hopeful. 

People tell me my hair is growing; although I just wish it would grow back quicker and slightly darker.  As one little boy when asked the colour; it is skin colour; or perhaps just white.  Why are kids so honest?

I still have lots of appointments at the hospital; I really do feel that I am wasting so much of my time there; especially with the sun shining.  The good thing is that they will be getting less; at least after mid June. 

The family are coming over for my birthday this year and I really can’t wait to see them.  They have already booked the good weather which suits me fine.

Well off to a meeting; I feel grateful that I have energy and a new lease of life after feeling so tired.  I will probably come home and sleep for a while but that is ok as each day is getting better.

Saturday 16th April 2011

I have just realised that it is 16 days since I updated my blog.  The good thing is that I have had a really positive time since I last wrote.    

I had my crazy chemo day on the 5^th April.  The reason it was crazy was that I had four appointments within a very short time.  Despite this we managed everything although we seemed to be running around the hospital quite a lot.  When we asked about the closeness of the appointments we were told it was normal and my doctor seemed to know what was happening; even if we didn’t.

The first couple of days after chemo I felt really well; so much that I went shopping, visited people and did loads of normal things.  For a couple of days I didn’t feel that good so I rested for a while but since then I have been feeling much better.  It helps that the sun is warm and at last I am warm again. 

My last chemo will be on the 26^th April; just after Easter; if all is well. It seems a great way to celebrate such a special time of the year.

Now the warm weather seems to have arrived I am having fun with “the hair”.  The problem is that my head gets very hot wearing it; especially as I have to wear either a scarf or hat on top of it as it looks rather wild without it.  Bill and I have been going out for walks in the morning so I tend just to wear a baseball cap as it much lighter.  I didn’t realise that the gap at the back of the hat showed that I had almost no hair.  To be honest it doesn’t worry me at all and hopefully nobody notices it so it doesn’t worry them either.

My hair is beginning to grow again slowly.  It doesn’t help that it is very fair; probably grey if I am honest.  My hair fell out slightly early and hopefully it will grow again early.  Not being a hairdresser I am not sure how long it will take to grow but the signs are good.

Although I don’t seem to have written much “no news is good news” as we used to say when I was growing up; life is slowly beginning to return to normal.  All I need now is to get the treatment out of the way and then wait for my “rebuild”.  This will probably be at the beginning of next year according to my doctor.  Whatever it takes I will work with it; I am just glad to feel good.

Friday 1st April 2011

Over a week with no treatment; no hospital visits and the sun is shining.  Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a friend in Porto so I caught the train home, getting off at the further station from the house and walked back on the beach pathway.  It was so warm and so wonderful to see the sea, feel the warmth of the sun and just enjoy myself without feeling ill.  Life is great when it is normal.

This week I have been much stronger, we think that I had a something on top of the after effects as Bill was ill as well.  I had a flu type cold but with no immunity it knocked me out.  This week we are both doing so much better.  My chemo is Tuesday 5^th April so we praying and hoping that my blood count is ok to do the chemo.  Don’t get me wrong - I don’t enjoy the treatment; I just want it finished.

It is exactly 13 years today since Bill and I arrived in Portugal.  We spent six and a half years in Lisbon and the rest of the time here in Porto.  If I had a chance to be somewhere else with everything that has happened; the answer is no.  Although it is often difficult to be in a country where your knowledge of the language is poor and things don’t always work out like they should; I wouldn’t have changed anything.

Next Tuesday is going to be crazy; although my friend seems to think everything will work out.  The main problem is timing.  According to appointments I have a CAT scan which takes ½ hour at 11:30; my doctor’s appointment at 11:40; blood tests at 12:00 and my chemo at 13:30.  Now anyone who knows any public health system knows that appointments do not run on time.  It doesn’t help that Isabel is in France next week so is unable to help out.   Isabel has asked a colleague to help me and so I have to be at the hospital at 9:30 and she is going to take me to the analysis  department.  Hopefully she will help getting the blood works out of the way early.  Somehow we have to arrange everything else.  Fortunately Julie is coming with me to help with the language because by the time I have finished I will probably want to scream; or something worse.  We will have to wait and see how the Portuguese   public health system will work this one out.

I am writing this in two parts as I went out with friends this morning.  It was only a visit to MAKRO to buy apples for the CASA project; this is an organisation that works with the homeless and Alison who was with me is going out with them this evening; hence the apple run as we now call it.   It was nice to do normal things; even to the point of having a laugh that you can only have with really close friends.  We stood in front of the shampoo counter and discussed which shampoo I could use; although it may have to wait a while.  The other customers must have thought we were crazy; or they would have done if they spoke English.

I also realised that I have been out in the car two times this week and will be driving again tomorrow.  This is the most I have been in the car driving myself since November; it is nice to be free again.

The only annoying part at the moment is that I have no body heat at all.  Even though the weather is very nice with a blue sky and it is quite warm; 25+ degrees I only feel warm when I actually stand in the sun.  The other problem is that when I stand in the sun my head actually starts sweating when I have “the hair” on my head.  By the time I took it off my head was dripping wet.

Apart from that everything is looking good.

Friday 25th March 2011

Well the waiting game finished Saturday morning; I didn’t think I could feel so bad.  I think I had all but one of the side effects that they mentioned; stomach pains; absolutely no energy at all; tiredness all of the time and fever.  To add to this I have been waking up three times a night soaking wet with either fever or perspiration.  The good thing that last night was the first time that I didn’t have the fever, just the perspiration.  Now I know what people mean when they say chemo is bad.  Yesterday was probably the first time I have felt half normal.  I say only half as the time is certainly getting longer as to how long I feel good.  I even managed to do some work today which is the first since last Friday. 

My main concern with this is not the side effects; I know that they will finish; but that my blood count is back to normal on the 5^th April which is my next chemo.  If it is not then they will delay the chemo for a few days if not a week.  Delaying chemo means delaying radiotherapy and I have now got to the stage where I just want it finished; praying that I don’t need more.

Also something that doesn’t help Bill’s has had a bad cough/flu type cold as well; so I do think we might be a very unhealthy household at the moment.

For the first time I think ever since Riverside Porto Church started they had a meeting here; where I was physically in the house; but not in the meeting.  I said hello to a few people and retreated to bed were I just rested.  This week I have really had to listen to my body; which said if I don’t lie down I may fall down; so I took its advice.

I went for my scan last Thursday; it was to check something that the doctor had seen on my spine.  Whatever it was it had nothing to do with my cancer.  That was great news; so now to carry on with the treatment.

Have there been some good times this past week; not many to be honest but I know that there will be and I will keep fighting.  Please keep praying and fighting with me.

Tuesday 15th March 2011

We have been away at the Christian Associates (CAI) Leaders Summit since last Wednesday; arrived back yesterday; having stopped in at Mountainview Church in Madrid on the way back. 

It obviously did us good as when I had the blood tests yesterday just before chemo it was remarkably good.  I wasn’t sure that I should tell them that we have people praying for us all over the world; they may not understand.

We left for Madrid last Wednesday and arrived to be greeted by so many friends and fellow workers, it was great just being in the real world.  This year was obviously different as I found after the first day I needed more rest than I hoped I would need.  On the second day I took more rest and found I could cope much better.  I also got used to wearing “the hair”.  It surprised me that nobody seemed to realise that it wasn’t my own hair; although I wore either a hat or headscarf.  Perhaps they thought that I was being religious; not much chance of that I would add.  It obviously looks better than I thought.

We spent our Sunday morning and some of the afternoon at Mountainview Church; another CAI church where our great friends Richard and Riekje are the pastors.  We spent two nights kipping down with other great friends Rob and Chris.  It was nice to be able to share with the people at Mountainview how we are doing at Riverside Porto and our vision for the future.  We also shared our health stories as well; keeping it quite light: and it was lovely to hear how it blessed other people.   As I have said before it is great nowadays when life is normal.

We arrived back yesterday with me having to go straight from the airport to hospital for blood tests and chemo.  The blood tests as previously mentioned went well with good results.  Unfortunately I messed up with some of the medication, due to not fully understanding the Portuguese which meant that it was delayed for an hour so, along with Julie; spent far more time in the hospital than was actually needed.  The good thing was that we got it sorted out in the end and I now know what I need to do next time.  Even better so far the after effects are really good; how long that will last I am not sure: another waiting game. 

I am not sure if it is the result of the chemo but I find that if I wake up during the night I am really hot; so hot indeed that my pillow is soaking wet and I am almost dripping with sweat.  It feels that I am going through the change again; which is something that I want to do without.  It may be connected but I honestly don’t know. 

Anyway back to the real world, if that is possible, I have a scan on Thursday to check for something.  When I found out what it is for I will let you know.  I am sure that my doctor told me, but that was a while back and I have forgotten.    Life is good at the moment, may it keep on being like this.

Saturday 6th March 2011

This past week I went to see my chemo doctor who explained my next set of treatment.  I will be on a completely different set of drugs which can give me a new set of side effects.  The side effects of these drugs don’t sound that nice but according to the doctor they have medicine for everything.    What this means is that they give you a whole bunch of medicine  which I call “just in case”.  I am beginning to understand why drug companies are so rich.   

I am feeling very tired most days now; which I have been told is one of the larger side effects that they cannot give you medicine for.  I find that even for small things like shopping I have to either sum up lots of energy; buy things in small amounts so the trip is quick: or let Bill drive and come with me.  I take a sleep during the day most days when I can; which helps a great deal.  My body obviously doesn’t take too kindly to be pumped full of poison.   

I guess with me being tired most of the time I sometimes struggle with staying positive.  The good thing is that Bill knows me so well and can see when I start to feel that I don’t want to bother with things.  By just reminding me that it will work out in the end and that everyone we know is praying for us gives me the encouragement that I need.  There are days I would just like to sleep all day but I know that is more in my head than in my body so I find good things to do. 

I also find that food isn’t really appealing much to me.  Bill is being amazing and doing a lot of the cooking at the moment.   There are certain foods that appeal to me but as soon as they are cooked I don’t feel hungry and struggle to eat very much and other stuff I cannot stand the smell; especially sea food.  Fish is good as it is very light so I can eat more of it.  I will be really pleased when chemo has finished and my appetite comes back and I didn’t really think I would ever say that.

I look back at what I have just written and it seems that life isn’t that good at the moment but this isn’t true.  When the sun is shining and we can walk outside and see all the new growth I know life is good.

Just before I post this Bill and I have just come back from the cinema with friends seeing “The Kings Speech”   Most people in the UK will have seen it already but it takes a while to get here and it takes us even longer to go to the cinema.  It was so good to grab something to eat; watch a movie with friends  and then have a proper meal afterwards.  Life is good when it is normal.

Saturday 26th February 2011

February 26^th 2011 

It has been over a week since I last wrote and I have had an interesting time.  Although I haven’t been feeling sick at all, which is a blessing; two of the side-effects from the medicine have kicked in – ulcers and stomach problems.  Needless to say my mouth and throat are a little sore and my stomach feels like a lead balloon most of the time.  The good thing about both of them is that I have medication to combat them.  The bad thing I am beginning to feel like a regular client at the pharmacy,

Apart from these two inconveniences things are going reasonably well.  We had a visit to the doctor who is organising my radio on Tuesday and she was extremely helpful.  Her English was good: always a bonus; and she was more than happy to answer questions.  We asked about the stage that they found the cancer and for those in the know I am level two and stage one which is not perfect but it could be a lot worse.  They found three lumps under my arm, which they removed, and as it is less than four they were very pleased and are more than hopeful that everything will be alright.

I was given a schedule for my radio and as long as I finish my chemo on time I should start radio on the 16^th May for 5 weeks; finishing on the 18^th June.  That will be five days at a time: the weekend off, and then start again on the Monday morning.  As both our wedding anniversary and my birthday are in the middle of those dates,  I know how I will be celebrating.   I wonder how soon after the treatment my hair will start to grow. 

During the week a large box of hats and scarves arrived from a friend in the UK; thanks Dot.  So on Thursday we did a skype connection, complete with camera: and had a fashion parade of some of the hats; I still have to work out how to use the scarves.  It was a fun-filled hour which cheered me and kept us laughing.  It is things like that which makes an ordinary day much more fun.

I have an appointment with my chemo doctor this coming week; this is just to keep a check on my blood works and to see if there are any other various problems.  It should be an interesting chat and perhaps she can give a good medicine for my stomach

Well the sun is shining: although the wind is a little cool; we have just returned from walking on the beach.  Life certainly isn’t that bad.

February 17th 2011

I had another session of chemo yesterday. When I woke up today I was actually feeling much better; not really feeling sick at all.  I was a bit tired as we had to get up earlier for a Skype chat from Spain so I had a rest later in the morning which made me feel much better.  I was awake for an hour or so in the middle of the night; which does seem to be a factor for the first couple of days after my chemo session.  The other good thing is that I can actually taste my food which I hadn’t been able to the last couple of times.

During the night my mind is very active; I almost feel I could write a book for all the things that I am thinking about but they wouldn’t make sense in the light of the day. 

Going back to my “chemo day”, it didn’t start well.  I arrived at the station at 7:45 for the 7:49 train which failed to arrive.  I worked out there was one at 7:09 which would still get me to the hospital for the 8:00 appointment; although they do ask you to be there half an hour early.  Needless to say this didn’t turn up either.  I later found out that CP (Portugal trains) was on strike.  Unfortunately we do not watch Portuguese news so I had no idea.  I rushed back to the house, jumped into the car, and arrived at 7:40 at the hospital.  To add insult to injury the automatic machine that takes the car parking direct from the bank wasn’t working so I had to take a ticket.  At the end of the chemo I pushed the ticket into the pay machine only to be told that the payment was €240. Julie; my chemo buddy;  took the ticket to the ticket office and got a slightly better bill of €1.90. 

A couple of days ago I finally put the shampoo and conditioner that I use back in the cupboard.  It seems a small thing to do but I felt it was important.  It was like one more acceptance that you have cancer; have no hair: and you won’t be needing things like for a while.  Looking on the bright side my showers are much quicker, which means I can have that extra time in bed; always a bonus.

Well next week I should hopefully find out about my radiotherapy which follows my chemo.  I also want to ask what stage they think they found the cancer at.  The problem is that unless you ask here in Portugal they assume that you don’t want to know, not so in my case.  Part of me wants to know the other part doesn’t.  Let’s see how it goes. 

Tuesday 15th February 2011

I have had a real mixture of days: going from feeling really great to being so tired I had to go to bed even before people left on Sunday night.

Speaking to the family really lifts my spirit up so on Saturday morning I was feeling really good as I spent over an hour speaking with different people.  Saturday afternoon was a different story; we went for a walk as it was such a great day and after 15 minutes my legs felt like lead and I was worn out.  I came home and slept for two hours.

I spent the next couple of days being very frustrated as I wanted to feel good but didn’t.  I still have to come to terms with doing too much and paying the price for it afterwards.   As a great friend from Tanzania wrote “Would you PLEASE be patient with yourself?” Thanks Lisa I am trying,  but not succeeding very well. 

Monday evening was spent with friends over a meal and it is amazing how uplifting that is.  I had a great night’s sleep and felt good this morning; friends are so special.

Well tomorrow is chemo day: I have to be at the hospital by 7:30am.  Do you think I can sleep on the train and remember to get off at the correct station – watch this space.

This is a picture of Bill and I having a great meal on his birthday - and no, I do not have hair.

Wednesday 9th February 2011

Life has been reasonably quiet and normal the last few days.  It is amazing how good it is to lead a normal life: no hospital visits or doctor visits; just a quick trip to the clinic to pick up a prescription.  Bill is going to physiotherapy three times a week and on the days that he doesn’t do that we are trying to take a daily walk; this is to build my strength up and because the doctor told Bill that he needs to do it.  He got caught out by the various cholesterol levels when he had a blood test and got a mild telling off.

I think the main thing that I find frustrating is that I am not as fit as I think I should be.  People keep telling me that I have had a major operation and that I have cancer and it is normal to feel tired all the time.  I also get out of breath very easily which annoys me.  I guess patience is not my strongest point when it comes to health.  I want everything to be like it was before but I am finding that I have to rest more often and I sleep a lot and that bugs me.

On the up side the weather is warming up nicely which means that walking on the beach path is now becoming a pleasure, I love the ocean and enjoy breathing in the sea air.  Spring is on the way and we see new life springing out all around us.

Because life is normal at the moment I will leave writing more for another day.  I have chemo next Wednesday so will take the time to enjoy the week before it all starts again.

4th February 2011

Perhaps today I should call this blog “the hair”.  For those who have been reading you will know that I do not have any of my own hair as I had it shaved it off last week and I am so glad that I did.  A little cold around the ears and back of the neck but at least I am not shedding everywhere.

“The hair” is my wig which I am convinced has a life of its own and we have a real love/hate relationship.  If I am leaving the house, or having visitors, I put “the hair” on.  The back and sides are fine, more or less doing what I what it to do.  The top and fringe is another thing.  Each part sticks up in every way possible, looking as if I had just fallen out of bed.  Believe me; nothing could be further from the truth.  I have to spend more time with “the hair” then I ever did with my own natural hair.  That took a quick shower, a towel dry and a quick comb.  “The hair” will take any time up to 15 minutes and even then it still looks a mess.

I have worked out how to tame “the hair”; I spend yet more time adding my scarf which I do enjoy wearing; or just stick a hat on it.  This is by far the easiest and it will depend on what mood I am in as to how it goes.

I guess the important thing is to look good before going out.  I have discovered after many years that looking good is more important to me now than it ever was before.  If I make an effort it is like saying to the cancer that I am better than you and I can beat you, so be afraid. 

Today is a great day: the sun is shining and it is almost warm and I feel alive and normal, well as normal as I will ever be.

31st January 2011

I took a couple of days off from writing, especially as Sunday is busy enough for us as it is.  The first three days after chemo were horrible, feeling sick, tired, and dizzy and not really wanting to eat properly.   Sunday morning was a new day with the immediate effects beginning to wear off.  By the evening I felt great and got through the meeting without any problems, even laughing and joking about the situation.

Nights are still the worst as one of the side effects is not sleeping well; I woke up 3 times before I finally got up.  There were no crazy dreams or anything like that, I was just wide awake.  Sometimes this is not good but sometimes I get things straight in my head as well.  Last night I realised that there are some programmes or news articles that I am now not comfortable with, especially on the subject of cancer.  I heard about a play in London where the main star has her breast removed only to discover that it had spread to the other side and it was terminal.  It left me wondering how I could cope if that happened to me.  How would my family and friends feel; I don’t have an answer to that. 

The great thing, though, as I was thinking about it the peace of God came to me with this “We are going to get through together with the grace of God, whatever happens I (God) am with you”.  It left me feeling much more peaceful.  Will I still have the same thoughts, probably yes, but this is beatable.

If you are like me when you hear of people with cancer; you feel very sorry for them and move on with your next train of thoughts.  When it happens to you; you realise that cancer is now part of your life.  Especially in the quiet times that is what you think about; it becomes so much part of you other things take a secondary place.  I want this to be different; I don’t want it to my every waking thought.  This is my prayer for today.

Friday 28th January

Had another rough night, why does my brain work overtime at night.  I woke up feeling quite sick this morning and it is only slowly wearing off.  I have had to take the tablets before the meals today.  Look on the bright side if I don't eat too much I can loose a bit of weight.

Life will get better so that is the good news. 

Thursday 27th January

Woke up today feeling slightly sick; here we go again, body full of drugs.  This time it is taking longer to wear off so I will take the medicine that the doctor gave me half an hour before the next meal.  Also I had a bad night as I woke up 3 times with things buzzing around in my head:  I think the drugs are messing with my brain.  Having said this I do not want the cancer or the drugs affect or takeover my life so I am hoping to continue with life as normal as it can be.  No more hospital appointments this week, I hope.

Wednesday 26th January 2011

Had my second chemo today, feel like I need a sleep but that could be because I had to get up at 6:45am to get to the hospital, I think I will listen to my body.   It was much easier this time as I had to have my blood checked and they did it through the catheter which was far less painful.  I should explain here that they inserted a catheter into the right side of my body so that they can administer the drugs.   At the first set of chemo they had to find that the vein:  check that the catheter was in the correct place and draw blood first; guess what they missed a couple of times.  I am glad to say that the people who draw blood all day long got right the first time. 

Tuesday 25th January 2011

Made a decision, we went to the hairdresser’s and had my head shaved.  I officially do not have any hair on my head.  I feel so much better now that I have done it.  I have a wig but it won’t sit right so I can only wear it with a hat on top which is ok.  Due to go out to the English Language Group but one of them has had flu which means I cannot go.  I think this will happen time and time again during the chemo – but that’s life.

Sunday 21st January 2011

Hair now coming out in clumps, or should I should small handfuls,  I also notice I have my first bald or nearly bald patch, guess I will be wearing a hat tonight for the meeting.  Oh well at least I will save on hairdressing bill as I normally have to go once a month.  How do I feel?  The same as before, if this is going to happen I am beginning to wish that it would happen quickly as shedding hair all over the place is beginning to annoy me, bring it on.

Friday 21st January

From now on I will only be putting in daily stuff so it will be much shorter and easier to read.

Just came back from a great dinner with friends, beginning to lose hair in handfuls, had to apologise to people for shedding hair everywhere.  How do I feel about this?  Everyone says I have a real positive attitude but I do not feel very positive, I feel rubbish and that is the first part.  I hope I can handle this.

Home Again

If I heard it once I must heard it at least 10 times a day “mum don’t do that” or “mum, you shouldn’t do that”.  It was everything from hanging washing out, cleaning the fire and generally doing work around the house.   Somehow I felt my kids were getting their own back for all the times that I shouted at them.   I felt great, a bit lop-sided maybe but I had never felt better.  It was probably something to do with the drugs that I was given at the hospital but I had never slept better or eaten better for a long time.    Ruth, our elder daughter, arrived on the Tuesday after I got out of hospital on the Friday and so began a catch up time between two sisters.  Sarah explained all I couldn’t do, so I had two of them going at me.  Having said this I could not have managed without them. 

Life began to get back to normal; Bill returned home about a week after me and began his long recovery.  Ruth was able to be his nurse as well as mine – and to police his diet, activities, and medicines.   

Christmas arrived along with an invasion; we had all the family with us, as planned.  Everyone was a great help; doing far more than was even needed.  We even managed to have a New Year’s party at the house.  During the week between Christmas and New Year Bill, Ruth and myself went to the hairdresser’s to choose a wig; it was recommended that I get one while I still had my hair so they could see what my style looked like.  I was entitled to a free one within a certain price.  I tried on the “free one” and immediately could see why they were giving it away.  I looked and felt a complete idiot.  That again was where I had to blink back the tears as it came home to me what was going to happen within a very short time.  I finally got a wig, not great but not too bad.

They allowed me time to enjoy a family Christmas and then I started chemo on the 5^th January; it was much better than I thought it would be.  The staff was great; all trying to speak English.  One even explaining that one of the chemicals went into me red in colour and it came out red in colour; you can guess where.  They also told me all the stuff that I shouldn’t eat, basically anything that isn’t cooked or you can take the skin off.  No salad, no apples and even more no strawberries or sushi. I felt good and only complained when I had to wear a mask to go shopping or meet a lot of people.  It wasn’t me who was the problem but them, just in case they had a cold or anything like that.  I could feel my immunity lowering as I got more and more tired.  The first week between treatments was fine it was the second week that I felt really tired but I just rested more.  I guess I am just too awkward to let it affect me too much.  I can honestly say that I had a couple of days when I felt down and that was because I was tired.

OK that is the run up to the regular blog which will hopefully be more up to date if not more interesting.  After my first chemo session 5 January, I have three weeks for it to take effect.  For the first week it kills my immune system, for the second week it kills the cancer and for the third week my body recovers – ready to start again.   Sit back and enjoy and if it helps, great, please feel free to contact me; either through my blog or though my email which is tinamasonaguda@gmail.com


Bill's View

Recovering from my operation was less fun than a week in Blackpool (a well-known British music-hall joke says that the first prize in a competition is a week in Blackpool; the second prize is two weeks!).  In truth, it was totally traumatic.  I was again in an ICU, with an extremely limited view of the world around me, surrounded by patients who had been through cardio-thoracic surgery (the posh name for having your chest demolished so that they can get at your heart).  There were monitors and machines everywhere – it looked like something from a science fiction film.  During the day it was fine, but night was a nightmare.  You can imagine that these procedures generate more pain than our bodies can stand and so a large part of the after-care is concerned with pain reduction.  I have no idea what drugs they pumped into me through the several drips and catheters, but I am sure that it was a pretty sophisticated mixture and would probably be illegal if you bought it on the street!

During the first nights I kept waking up to electronic sounds and flashing lights, which I later realized were the alarms of the many different machines .  In my diminished state of consciousness I came to believe that I was in a room where someone was playing on those brightly coloured old pinball machines with the flashing lights, flippers and bumpers.  I later found out that some of the alarms were my own – I had suffered two infections which had blown my temperature sky-high and my heart had, for some reason, reversed its rhythm – probably out of protest at the surgeons mucking around with it! 

On her way home from 'her' hospital, Tina came in to see me.  At the time I was in the process of being moved from the ICU to the ward.  Somehow, in the process, something went wrong and I appear to have had a minor stroke.  I was completely out of it for two hours - so they tell me.  When I came around, I was back on a trolley and Tina was there beside me.  I felt worse than at any time in my life - Tina had struggled from her own hospital bed to walk into a hugely tense situation like that. I really believed that there was a serious danger that I was not going to survive and was so sad that I would not be there to help Tina with her long treatment.  I burst into tears and cried myself to sleep.

The next day arrived and I was still alive.  Various different experts came to see me to try to understand what had happened and whether my brain was still working (actually it hadn't worked for years, so I couldn't imagine why they thought it would now!).  Gradually I recovered sufficiently that I was released into the care of my family a few days later.

Still in hospital but ready to go home

I was told off immediately by good friends as I even on the first day I was using my left arm to type and play Farmville.   OK I have to get my priorities right here; I didn’t want my crops to wither.  This is where the lymph nodes start to play a part.  Due to them being removed I was not allowed to use my left arm for at least a couple of weeks.  OK this is fine apart from I mainly left handed and use my left hand for everything; it is my stronger arm.  I am not sure exactly what they do but I now know that I cannot sit out in the sun without my left shoulder being covered; I cannot have a really hot shower, which I love etc etc life has suddenly not become fun.   I also cannot lift anything over two kg, now this not for a short time; these limitations are for the rest of my life which also includes the hot shower and sun.

Another one of life’s lessons is to take a piece of paper to write things down or have a good friend who has a better memory than you do.  It isn’t that there will be anything wrong with your memory but I think after a while it shuts itself down with too much information.  The relevant info, like turning up for appointments, was ok but after that my mind would often blank out when I tried to remember what a particular doctor or nurse told me something.


Bill's View

As it happens the government has recently invested heavily in coronary care (Portugal previously had a high mortality rate) and the Vila Nova de Gaia hospital (CHVNG) has world class facilities both for care and for surgery.  Within less than two days of first arriving at CHVNG, they carried out a procedure to insert a catheter from my wrist into my heart to ‘look’ at what was going on – all this with me wide awake and watching on a monitor.  I learned a lot about medicine during this time, because the staff were amazing and very happy to talk about their work! 

As soon as the catheter procedure had finished, the doctor in charge came out and explained that there are three main arteries that take the blood from my heart to the rest of my body.  Two of those were virtually completely blocked and the third was partially blocked.  He reckoned that the heart attacks were caused when the third artery went into spasm for some reason and became effectively blocked as well.  The only possible cure was a triple by-pass operation, which the hospital could perform if the surgical team accepted me as a suitable case for saving.  He agreed that perhaps concern for my wife – going for her own operation in two days time - might have been a contributory factor! 

The cardiologist firmly refused to let me leave the hospital while I waited for a slot in the operating theatre; he went as far as to make veiled threats that they could not guarantee the outcome if I left!  So Tina went into hospital without me, although she was probably better supported than if I had been available.  Like I said, the church folk were wonderful and our younger daughter had arrived from the UK to help out.  We gave her a car and a GPS and she spent most of the week driving between home and the two hospitals – keeping the family together.  Not bad for someone who cannot speak a word of Portuguese!

After about a week I was scheduled for my operation.  Tina had had hers and was already recovering quickly, albeit in a different hospital.  I must say, in honesty, that I searched my conscience and asked God if there was any reason why I was not ready to meet Him if anything went wrong.  I came to the conclusion that I knew that Jesus Christ had gone before me to prepare a place for me; but unlike Paul, I was not yet ready to say that I would rather go there just yet.  Call it a lack of faith if you like, but I could not escape the thought that our two daughters, the elder of whom was due to arrive at any time to take over from her sister, would clearly be very upset – but the worst was the feeling that I might not be there to take care of Tina throughout her long programme of treatment for her cancer.

The surgeons explained that they had to cut me down the middle; cut through the muscles which are centred in front of my chest; cut my sternum in half; open up my rib cage and get access to my heart.  This was scheduled for six hours but, in fact, took about eight.  They told me later (I didn’t know much about it at the time and they didn’t wake me up to ask!) that they had had to stop my heart and replace it with an external pump.  I’m not sure why – but it made the whole procedure more hairy!  However, the very good news was that the heart attacks had not caused any damage to my heart muscles – apparently the danger is that muscles start to overheat and burn out when there is no blood (with its precious oxygen).  However, in my case the heart had never been deprived of blood – it had been pumping away but the blood had nowhere to go.  Praise God!

The operation

Perhaps not all public health hospitals are like this, although I suspect they are, in that the one important thing you need to learn is patience.  Imagine arriving at the hospital at 8:30am, having no breakfast and particularly no coffee.  You check in and then you have to wait for your bed to be free.  I was fortunate to have the company of Gabi and Sarah, our younger daughter, who had come to help her dad look after me.  This went out of the window when Bill was rushed into hospital only 5 days before my operation with a heart attack and then needed a triple bypass operation and yes we were in two different hospitals at the same time.  Poor Sarah couldn’t have stopped for the 10 days that she was here, it certainly wasn’t a holiday.  Perhaps I should mention here that one of the hardest things to do was to tell the girls about the cancer.  Bill actually phoned them as I couldn’t face up to it, they knew something was wrong when he phoned; one said “Dad never rings so we knew there was a problem”.  Even though they are both adults I wanted to protect them from hearing bad news.  I needed to find out that although they were still my kids there are adults and as adults they handle bad news far better than we would ever give them credit for.

I was finally given my bed at 4:30; immediately prepped for the op and was probably under the knife by 5:30.  One useful addition was that I had had an appointment to have a mole removed just left of the breast so I asked the surgeon to remove that as well, which he did, saving me a second op; might as well make the most of a bad job.

Before the operation I was told that they would wake me up just to get a response and to check that everything was OK.  According to Gabi, who was there, my only response was “go away and let me sleep”.  I guess I was OK.  The four nights in the hospital weren’t that bad, apart from the food.  I was told that I must have been hungry when I ate breakfast, which was probably the best meal, and then ate both lunch and dinner on the Tuesday.  I knew I was feeling better as each day I ate less as the food wasn’t the best part of the hospital.  I heard later that they bring in a company and Bill and I were getting the same food, poor guy. 


Bill's View

The day after I preached on Romans 8:28, I felt some chest pains.  I had had these before and no harm had come to me, but this time they were particularly persistent.  I was a bit unhappy that the pain spread to my lower jaw, but they went away after a while, so I decided to ask my doctor the next time that I saw her.  However, at midnight they started again and I was in such discomfort that I couldn’t sleep.  In fact, at two in the morning, I woke Tina and said that I thought that I really needed to go to the hospital.  While she was trying to wake up – she’s not really good at that – I sat on the edge of the bed and suddenly the pain stopped.  Tina went back to sleep – so I just lay down and slept peacefully for the rest of the night.

The next morning the same pain started again and I didn’t feel like working. I went to the doctor’s surgery and she gave me some tablets to reduce my blood pressure, which was very high.  Although I didn’t realise it at the time, I had driven to and from the doctor’s surgery while having a heart attack.  I was even sick while I queued for the appointment, which I didn’t know at the time is a classic symptom.   

One of the church leaders is a doctor (although not practicing in Portugal) and when she heard about the pains she sent me an email telling me to go immediately to either the doctor or the hospital – ‘just to get it checked out’.  As I didn’t have any more pain that day, I was trying to think of a way to avoid going, but I knew that Gabi would give me a hard time (she later told me that, as a doctor, she sometimes has an instinct or premonition when things are serious and that she felt particularly worried about me). 

On Wednesday morning the pain started again so I called a friend who speaks better Portuguese than I and drove us both to the hospital.  As we got near, the pain got quite bad and I did think about asking Tim to drive – but I got us there safely.  That was the last I saw of the real world for nearly three weeks!  They looked at me, called the cardiologist and had me undressed, on a trolley and off to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) before I really knew what was happening.  Within less than an hour I was hooked up to all manner of exciting machines and monitors with bells, sirens and buzzers going off all around me!  And there I stayed!  Poor Tim had to drive my car home and explain to Tina that there was some doubt as to whether I could take her for her operation.  In fact Tim and his wife Julie, Gaby (our doctor friend) and all of the church leaders have been great.  During the weeks when I was out of action, I am pleased to say that – the church continued without missing a heartbeat – which was more than I managed – but more of that later.

Before the operation part 2

After all the tests I was booked into hospital early November for the operation.  How did I feel during the time, living and working in a foreign country where I can only understand the basics of the language, being away from our two girls?   When I look back I almost think I was living a dream world and this was happening to someone else.  Perhaps that is how I got through or that I was being protected by God and He helped me get through.  There were times during the tests I just wanted to cry as I couldn’t understand the Portuguese nurses although most of them were really great and spoke just a little English to help me, perhaps I was a novelty by being a foreigner.

During this time I was amazingly blessed by having Isabel who works in the hospital, Gabi who is a doctor and came with on various times to translate and Julie who is just a great mate and was there when I needed someone to talk to.  As well as that they are just a few of the people who have been totally amazing over the last couple of months.  Not least of all I should mention Ruth and Sarah who both gave up their time to fly over from the UK to help us both out.  We could not have managed without them.


Bill's View

Tina was referred to the IPO, the principal cancer hospital in the North – and one which has a really good reputation as a research centre for cancer.  At this time I was still hopeful that the whole thing would turn out to be a false alarm.  However, in praying about the matter, I believe that God gave me a verse from the bible that became very important to me (probably to both of us).  It is found in the book of Romans; chapter 8; verse 28.  In the New Living Translation this reads:  “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.”

Now I knew that we both love God; we are convinced that we are called according to His purpose – so we could safely believe that He causes all things to work together for the good!  However, in the way that I understood what God, through His Word, was saying; there is a very important point that is often overlooked.  I was very convinced that the verse was NOT saying that nothing could or would go wrong.  What I believe strongly that the verse is saying is that no matter what does go wrong, God DOES cause even the wrong to work together for good.  Now that starts a whole train of thought going and, although we continued to pray that the best would happen, we became slowly resigned to the possibility that it might not turn out as well as we hoped. 

In fact, the problem with Tina’s armpit was a bad sign and she was scheduled to have a mastectomy operation.  The week before she was due to go to surgery, I preached that message to the church!  I had no idea at all how I would be tested by that – over and over again.