31st January 2011

I took a couple of days off from writing, especially as Sunday is busy enough for us as it is.  The first three days after chemo were horrible, feeling sick, tired, and dizzy and not really wanting to eat properly.   Sunday morning was a new day with the immediate effects beginning to wear off.  By the evening I felt great and got through the meeting without any problems, even laughing and joking about the situation.

Nights are still the worst as one of the side effects is not sleeping well; I woke up 3 times before I finally got up.  There were no crazy dreams or anything like that, I was just wide awake.  Sometimes this is not good but sometimes I get things straight in my head as well.  Last night I realised that there are some programmes or news articles that I am now not comfortable with, especially on the subject of cancer.  I heard about a play in London where the main star has her breast removed only to discover that it had spread to the other side and it was terminal.  It left me wondering how I could cope if that happened to me.  How would my family and friends feel; I don’t have an answer to that. 

The great thing, though, as I was thinking about it the peace of God came to me with this “We are going to get through together with the grace of God, whatever happens I (God) am with you”.  It left me feeling much more peaceful.  Will I still have the same thoughts, probably yes, but this is beatable.

If you are like me when you hear of people with cancer; you feel very sorry for them and move on with your next train of thoughts.  When it happens to you; you realise that cancer is now part of your life.  Especially in the quiet times that is what you think about; it becomes so much part of you other things take a secondary place.  I want this to be different; I don’t want it to my every waking thought.  This is my prayer for today.